Dear baby,

I’m sorry, I know it’s poor etiquette. Don’t eat where you poop and all that. But I figure since you carry your poop around with you via diaper, we can never REALLY avoid that for you, and therefore Mommy’s desire to feed you while she herself poops is actually ok in the grand scheme, right? And texting Daddy from the bathroom to ask him to deliver Super Sad Crying Baby to Mommy’s boob from across the house is just clever use of technology to expedite making Sad Baby into Happy Baby, right? Yeah, we’ll go with that. You have the best timing, baby.

Love,
Mommy who can multitask while pooping just like you can!

Dear jealous kitty,

You are super cute and loveable and all, but now is really not a good time to be on my lap.

Love,
Mommy, who thinks you’re a weirdo and is awaiting the arrival of Toilet Feeding Baby

Dear baby who decided to poop en route to Mommy’s boobs,

Huzzah! I guess it’s dad’s turn now. Poops all around!

Love,
Mommy who really shouldn’t find this sequence of events as funny as she does

Dear baby who arrived at Mommy Water-closet International Airport Restaurant only to sit on Mommy’s lap and smile a bunch instead of having Booby Time,

You are silly. And cute. What was all the flailing and crying about, my dear? Oh, just Baby Things? I see. That makes sense.

Love,
Mommy who would like you to use your fledgling grasping ability to pass her the TP