Dear baby who is learning to sit up without me,

I’m such a mixed bag of emotions.

I’m so happy you’re growing like a weed and getting stronger every day! And yet, I’m sad that you’re not my tiny little nublet any longer, and that you’ll never be this small again.

I’m so happy that you’re sitting up a little bit on your own, like a big girl! And yet, I’m sad that I’m not the one helping you strengthen those muscles.

I’m so happy that your daycare teachers love you so much, and help you get strong and smart and dexterous and feel loved every day! And yet, I’m so sad that I don’t get to spend more time with you. On the weekdays, I get an hour or so of play/snuggle time with you in the morning if I’m lucky (and if I’m not too sleepy to enjoy it). Once we’re home in the evenings, I’m mostly a milk machine until you go to sleep, and I remain that way throughout the (currently very long) nights. I love spending as much time as possible with you on the weekends, but that’s only two out of seven days a week.

I get it. Rationally, I get it. If I drop out of the workforce now, it’ll be harder for me to reenter when you’re older. I make a good salary now that I certainly wouldn’t get again coming off a several year hiatus. Most importantly, that salary is also letting us build up a financial nest egg to protect your future. So rationally, I understand why you’re in daycare. But I am so, so sad that I don’t get to spend more time with you. I hate this. And am sad to a greater or lesser extent every single day about it.

Texts like this one are so bittersweet. I’m proud of you and I miss you! I love you so much, even though I don’t stay home with you.  I hope you know that. I hope you know and love me as your Mommy, and that you don’t think of me as just the fill in for when daycare is closed.

Love,

Mommy who misses you terribly every day